Why Negative Self-Talk Is Damaging – And 8 Words You Need to Stop Using

I check in with every client to make sure they understand – the words we use make a difference and our subconscious minds are always listening. I ask them – “Do you know that Don’ts Don’t work?”
Here’s what I mean. If I said to you, “When you go out, don’t forget the milk,” and later that thought pops back into your head — “when I go out, don’t forget the milk” — what you’re actually repeating to yourself is: “when I go out, forget the milk.” Your subconscious mind doesn’t understand the negative part of that statement. It hears “milk” and “forget,” and that’s what it acts on.

Whatever you put your focus on, your subconscious thinks you want it — and it goes and gets you more of it.

The Traffic Jam

Imagine you’re stuck in traffic. There’s nothing you can do. You can’t drive over the car in front of you. You’re just stopped still.

You start thinking, “Oh no, I’m going to be late.” And your subconscious runs with it: “Yeah, and when you get there you won’t find a parking space, and you’ll drop your keys under the car, and by the time you get in they’ll have gone without you.” All of that — pure anxiety-producing thought, when in actual fact you’re not even late yet. You could send a message to say you’re held up. You could put some nice music on, look at the trees outside, think about cute puppies and fluffy kittens — and your subconscious will bring you more cute puppies and fluffy kittens.

The thing you put your focus on, your subconscious thinks you want. So if you’re feeling a bit nervous about something and you say, “Oh, please don’t let me get anxious,” your subconscious hears “anxious” loud and clear — “yeah, okay, anxious, you mean like this” — and it sends you more anxious feelings and symptoms. The thing to do is catch yourself before you head off down that negative pathway, and flip it into the positive. Not “don’t forget the milk,” but “when I go out, remember the milk.”

The Hay Fever Forecast

Here’s another everyday example. Someone who suffers with hay fever is watching the weather forecast, and there’s that big red triangle — pollen count is going to be really high tomorrow. They think, “Oh no, tomorrow my eyes are going to be itching, my nose is going to be all snotty.”

Their subconscious, which is always listening, doesn’t understand the “oh no” part. It just hears: itchy eyes — I know how to do that. Snotty nose — I know how to do that. And when tomorrow comes, there they are.

This is why I’ve always said: don’ts don’t work. Focus creates the outcome, whether or not you wanted it.

The Red Wine Story

A client once came to see me because she wanted to change her relationship with red wine. Most evenings, on her way home from work, she’d buy a bottle. Before bed, she’d make sure it was empty. No matter how cross or disappointed she felt the next morning, she’d do it all again the following night.

So we looked at her self-talk. Every morning, she told herself, “Tonight I am not going to drink.” Later in the day: “I really don’t want to be drinking every night.”

Which her subconscious heard as: “Tonight I am going to drink.” And: “I really want to be drinking every night.”

Even before she’d finished work, she had repeatedly put her focus on that bottle of red wine. So on the drive home, thinking about not drinking, the shop she “won’t” stop at would pop into her mind — her subconscious finding the answer to the question she kept asking it. Even driving past that shop, thinking “No, tonight I am not going to drink,” her subconscious received the message “tonight I am going to drink” — and helpfully started thinking about the next place to stop, because it genuinely believed that’s what she wanted.

Her focus, every single day, was on that bottle of wine. Not on the life without it. When we got to that point in the session, the penny dropped. You could see it on her face.

Focus on What You Want, Not What You’re Trying to Avoid

The other word I’ve always thought of as a no-no is “try.” Please stop using the word “try.” “I’ll try that” sounds like it’s going to be hard work, with plenty of room for failure built in. It’s sending the wrong message to your subconscious before you’ve even started.

This is the heart of it: your subconscious doesn’t process negation, but it’s brilliant at fetching whatever you focus on. So the real work isn’t willpower — it’s redirecting your focus toward what you do want, and how having it will feel. Do that consistently, and your subconscious starts working for you instead of against what you want, quietly steering you toward the things that are actually good for you.

Which means the words you use matter enormously. Certain phrases — ones we use constantly, without a second thought — send exactly the wrong message. Here are eight of the worst offenders, and what to say instead.

Do This Today

You don’t need to overhaul the way you speak overnight. Just start noticing. For one day, catch yourself every time one of these eight words slips out, and gently swap it for the alternative — while also noticing how often you’re rehearsing the outcome you’re afraid of, instead of the one you actually want. Your subconscious is always listening, and it takes you literally.

Because here’s the truth: don’ts don’t work. Positive focus does. Focus on what you want, how it will feel to have it, build that desire and really believe that you deserve it … and let’s see what happens.

Let’s Talk About It

However weird, silly or debilitating your issues are, I know they are very real to you. I would love the opportunity to have a chat and explain how I may help. No obligation, just a free initial phone consultation. Call me. Message me. I am here for you.

07742 819776

info@sallyhowardtherapy.co.uk

https://sallyhowardtherapy.co.uk/